Male Survivor rated as one of the best online sites

I am a member on the site and it has helped me in so many ways. I was able to openly talk about my abuse and how it effects me to this day without being shutdown or ignored. Then being part of the site you also get the feeling you might be helping someone else that is in the same place you are. I do Love Male Survivor. here is a link to there website and even if your not sure of things go and read.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/ http://www.malesurvivor.org/

Bible Emergency Numbers

Gracie Finds her Voice

I was a happy volunteer today helping (Gracie) Angela Williams of Voice Today inc. Read her book at a preschool holiday festival. The Children loved to sit and listen to Gracie and her her story. A good day was had by all.

http://www.voicetoday.org/movement/healing/

Voice Today

After my brief vacation I found a group of people that I could relate to. Everyone there has felt the same pain I have felt the shame and fear. This group is Voice Today inc. and are a faith based group which comforted me. The founder Angela Williams is a strong and yet kind person who understands the need for groups such as hers Voice Today inc. I feel so much better now but still have problems and issues I am dealing with, but now I have a support group.

Here is the Web site and if you were one of the 1 in 4 girls or 1 in 6 boys and need help come by.

http://www.voicetoday.org/movement/healing/

http://www.rainn.org/news-room/lets-retire-rapeface

Rape is Never a Joke and Glorifying Pimps makes things worse!

" STEVIE RAY VAUGHAN " VOODOO CHILE....YOU HAVE TO SEE IT ......THE BES...

V for vendetta

MSG Roy Benavidez speech 1991

http://www.youtube.com/v/_oUtJxE4sjs?autohide=1&version=3&attribution_tag=HioW8r49FHPiTtnjTWJvCQ&autohide=1&showinfo=1&feature=share&autoplay=1

Always choose!

Found My Voice

Well as the group I now belong/go to say I have found my voice. I am no longer hiding my head in shame or guilt. I am a survivor of Childhood sexual abuse and worse. I am now committing myself to make the public aware of the problems adults face and the fact a child on their block or neighborhood is being abused right now. I will do my best to help people understand the pain and emotional hell survivor’s go through and the help and understanding they need. I am going to try and open a support group where I live because right now there is nothing. You have to travel quite a few miles to attend a support group and if the person looking for help is depressed or unable to travel they are stuck either in themselves or by distance. With the help of the Lord I might be able to help at least one person hopefully more.

Below is a link to the survivor group I belong to.

http://www.voicetoday.org/movement/healing/

Norman Greenbaum - Spirit in the Sky (Remastered)

A Mustang was the best horse I ever rode!

Mustangs are like 4 wheel drive vehicles you can go anywhere on one. They are a strong and tough breed and yes they can be hard headed till you become partners with them but once that happens the world is yours to travel.

http://savingamericasmustangs.org/

Had a Set Back this week

My back and leg has been hurting me and my wife suggested I go see her Chiropractic. Well I did and I was feeling ok about the whole thing but then he had me lay on his table on my belly and started to adjust me and I started to panic I could hear him say "this might hurt a little" and I just started crying. In my mind I jumped of the table and floored him but that did not happen. When he was done I just grabbed my stuff and left. Now all this week I have been having nightmares and all the other feeling creeping back. It truly sucks!! I know I can get through this but I don't right now.

Buddy in his Pajamas

Radioactive - Lindsey Stirling and Pentatonix (Imagine Dragons Cover)

I voted for this post-apocalyptic "Radioactive" cover to win Response of...

Me and my Grandchildren

A beautiful Sunday

It is a wonderful Sunday with the exception I will be loosing a freind well not loosing he is taking a job in another state which is better for him and his family. Over the past couple of years I have come to love him and will miss him. I told the boys I am planning on having a guys camp out in the back yard to introduce the grandsons to camping and how much fun it will be. I am looking forward to that and plan on doing it when it is a little cooler. Well thats what is happening this weekend. Laters yall

The Beginning of My Abuse , This has Triggers in it so be aware

My Mom leaves my dad they hada Love Hate abusive marriage and I am sure the abuse came from both sides. My Mom and I moved around a lot because she was a waitress and was always looking for better work and we ended up living with my grandparents in Pennsylvania. When we moved in they died shortly after and I was 5 years old. I was then placed under the care of the women down the street while my mom was at work. This women would become one of my abusers her and her much older brother would give me wine and cookies and teach me Italian which I became fluent at. Eventually she started playing games with me like dress up and soon I would be dressed as a girl all of the time and drunk on wine. I know all of this from working with my therapist for the past 2 years. The actually abuse I do not really remember much of, I remember a bad taste in my mouth and later as time passed, I remember pain lots a lots of searing pain. I remember sitting on the stoop watching little girls walk by and him making comments about them saying we are going to get there little asses.
Then one day I remember coming home and my mom telling me if I ever go near Mr. Man who stole my childhood again she will scratch his eyes out. Next thing I know I am living with other people. 

I come home and things seem to be the same except Mr. Man who stole my childhood no longer lives in the house and a family with a boy my age and a girl 1 year younger. 
The area I grew up was only 2 streets of only about 20 houses and everyone new everything about everyone else. The boys in the neighborhood sure new about me and would beat on me and call me nasty names. It ended up the only way it stopped is if I gave them sex. Then they would beat me less.
My mom was a waitress and then got a job in a machine shop and had to work long hours. I guess after The Man who stole my childhood thing she decided I was better off watching myself and so I would come home and let myself in and stay there till she came home. Those where long hours sometimes and I would sit at the window crying wondering when she would come home. 
My mom new as most moms know how best to inflict the most amount of damage with as little effort as possible and she would use this to keep me in line. 
When I was bad she would a: beat the hell out of me with whatever she can get her hands on. Or b: go silent which was the worst I would rather have the beatings the silence was deifying and last for hours if not days..

Next Step

Well My Insurance Company decided I was well enough to stop going to group glad they had a handle on that and not my case consular. So I went to see my therapist and she asked me what it is I learned in group during the time I spent going and I told her, What not to say to doctors and therapists. She questioned me a little deeper and I just said well the time I spent in hospital and then in group really did nothing except take away the urge to do harm. Guess that is what it was supposed to be about but it did nothing for what I was feeling. I still feel everything that got me in there in the first place except the want. I feel frustrated and tried and confused and I do not want to take these damn meds I do not want to have to go to therapy or Doctors all the time. I hate what happened to me and how it makes me feel like I have to live 2 separate lives now. The normal person and the damaged one who is used and hides and is scared all the time. I feel sorry for my wife because I am not the man she married heck I am not even sure I am a man sometimes I am a little boy or a little girl all dressed up. This sucks. On the good point I guess I found a group for ASCA and I will be going for the first time on Tuesday. Let’s see if that does any good, sorry for the rant I needed to get it out. And by the way thank all of you for listening to an old man.

Truckers do have a heart as large as their trucks.

I have been meaning to mention this group they are working to save the girls from the streets and truckstops all across the nation and world. I posted this on Pandora's Aquarium and had to post it here it needs to be seen.

Besides all of the abuse I suffered in my life it I nothing compared to the suffering of the women and children and yes men who are sold as slaves and pieces of meat to supply demand for labor and sex. I recently told a member on her about how got involved with this group and here it is. I was a truck driver and drove all 48 states and Canada and the truck stops are always full of prostitutes. I compare it to seaports. I belong to an organization called Truckers Against Trafficking and we pass out info to the drivers asking them to make a call when they see obviously to young girls in the lot working or girls who do not know where they are or are being watched. We ask them to call the cops to save the girls. What got me involved and I hope this does not trigger you. I was walking to my truck and I passed a truck with the door open and a girl leaning in giving the driver a bj I looked at the girl and I knew she was young just by her size, I reached up grabbed her shorts and pulled her down the driver yelled but closed his door and drove off. I looked at the girl and she had track marks up and down both arms. A guy came running who was her pimp telling me to let her go I pulled my gun and made him sit down and we waited for the cops, turns out the girl was 11 years old and was from Iowa and I found her in Louisiana. 1000 miles from her home. The cops arrested the pimp and it was amazing how many times he kept falling before he managed to get in the squad car amazed he did not kill himself. At the time this happened the organization did not exist. I just an eye on the ladies in the truck stops and stopped calling them what the rest of the drivers called them Lot Lizards. I am retired from driving but I still go out to the truck stops around Atlanta and post bulletins and hand out flyers asking the drivers to make the call when they see obviously to young girls to please save them. I am proud to say I have saved 6 ladies and girls and always pray I could have saved more but I am only one man and I still have not stopped trying,, below is the link the website so you can see that those big monster trucks that pass you on the highway do contain hearts just as big as those trucks.

http://truckersagainsttrafficking.org/ 

Saw this post on Pandora'shttp://www.pandorasproject.org/index.html Project and loved it.

"The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie -- deliberate, contrived and dishonest -- but the myth -- persistent, persuasive and unrealistic" (JFK)

Interesting news Psilocybin might have  good medical uses in low dosages for PTSD patients this would be great news. It is reported to eliminate the fear response in test mice. Not saying I am a mouse or anything but I know that fear response all to well and it sucks. Here is the news report about it.

http://scienceblog.com/64948/low-doses-of-psychedelic-drug-erases-conditioned-fear-in-mice/

Ever since I got out of cottage C and started group I have been obsessing/researching what I am going through and with being in IOP and my Therapist and me doing this I think I am potentially harming myself. Not intentionally either this time, I am just so curious about what is happening and wanting to make it all stop now!!! What I am learning in group are coping skills and that it is not going to be a fast recovery, a recovery yes just not as fast as I would like. I am thinking of putting all my books aside all of my online sites aside except for the one I can actually chat on with others that is a fun place believe it or not. Heck let me plug them MaleSurvivors.Com great place for men dealing with all sorts of issues.  And of course I have this my blog where I can bore as many as I can get to read. I hope I do not bore too much really I am just learning how to share and it does suck. Anywho look for y’all in the trenches 

Sorry these are not in the proper order I am pulling them from posts on forums I have been on and I am feeling to lazy to change them around for now.

I have been looking and reading different web pages and forums for a while now and have discovered that there is almost nothing for males. There is help and support when we are children or adult survivors of abuse, but when it comes to being abused as adults I can hardly find anything. How many of us have read stories of men who try and report a rape only to be discounted or ignored. Or we are pushed off to a gay group, Orientation usually has nothing to do with the rape and this could only make the man shut down even farther. Something has to be done we cannot let our bothers suffer alone like we have. I am not sure what I am going to do hell I am still in therapy but this pisses me off to no end. Why did I have to try killing myself to get help why did I have to look so hard to get information? I think I might have found a reason to keep going on even if it is just to piss off the establishment and rock the boat a little. Thanks for letting this old man ramble.

 I do not know where this came from but I have decided that I am not going to hide anymore. I am not going to lie to my work mates about why I have not been in or friends at church for the same reason. I have posted on my blog about being in IOP and group and wanting to set u some sort of group for men locally, I even posted the same thing on my Facebook page screw them if they can not handle it I have had too for 55 years. ok nuff said for now

To many children end up in Juvey or jail because they are treated like criminals




http://www.salon.com/2013/08/15/far_too_many_kids_move_from_foster_care_into_the_sex_trade_partner/

Men and ASA help or should say What ASA help!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in the process of gathering information and contacts to set up some sort of outreach for men where I live. I am still in therapy myself so doing it right now would probably push me over the edge but at least I am gathering my eggs so I can proceed when the time is right. Where I am going to IOP: “Intensive Out Patient Therapy” there is a ASA,,” Adult Survivors’ of Abuse”  consular who agrees there needs to be something more and is going to help me. Part of the problem is ourselves we do not report. We suck it up hell nothing can hurt us we are men big strong John Wayne tough guys. Bull CACA!!!

I think and this is only my thinking that we need to help the younger generation to stay strong and tough but to also realize there will be times in there life it is OK to ask for help. How do we do that I have not the faintest idea I will leave that for the brainiacs. 

What do we do now for  men is to get groups formed dealing with men and their issues and yes I know they are going to be pretty lonely for a while but I am hoping with good advertising and exposure more men might reach out for help. OK enough of me rambling.

Have the best day you can I am trying to!

I am going to add a couple links to websites that have helped me and I hope they will help someone else

https://1in6.org/

malesurvivor.org

http://pandys.org/

https://www.1bluestring.org/     for the musicians 

The Edges start

Starting this piece I know will be a shock to some laughter to others but this is how I became who I am. And sorry to my English teachers I have horrible punctuation.

I remember working with my brother in law and not being fast enough for him. I was breaking 50 pound bags of sand into a pot connected to a compressor, connected to a 2 inch hose  he was using to sand blast a steel girder.  Well Ronnie being Ronnie, he would start name calling with stuff like "Come on you little faggot I can get girls to work faster". I really never knew what it was he was complaining about the pot was never empty and he never had to wait on me. I would keep 200 pounds of sand in the pot at all times. Oh did I mention I was 12 at the time? This was not even my first job. That my dear droogies is another tale to tell.

When I was young I did stupid stuff like most kids and an example would be drawing target on my bedroom door and I would use that for my knife throwing practice. Well one day my mom and the landlord where going through the apartment discussing little problems when they saw light coming from my closed door. they proceeded to open it and the yelling started my mother in Irish and "Mr Baker" in German. So after the beating I got from my mother it was decided that I would work for Mr "Baker" to pay for a new door. Mr "Baker" was a baker and the bakery was attached to the front of our apartment. Mom would wake me up at 4 30 and kick me out the door and Mr "Baker" would kick me in the door of the bakery. I was assigned to make dough for doughnuts and pastry. after that was made I was then given a scraper and had to get on the floor and scrape up the dough that had fallen and gotten walked and worn onto the floor.I would try and stay away from the oven and would get caught and told to clean extra good around that. One time as I was sweating up a storm and  I look up and Mr "Baker" pulls a Pepsi out of the cooler and takes a nice long  sip looks at me and say "ah Das is gud" put the Pepsi back in the cooler and laughed at me.

Because I was fatherless I guess Mr "Baker" decided he would be my mentor. One of the first things he did was to give me a copy of Mien Kamph to read and he would test me on it. Oh I did not mention that Mr "Baker" was a Hitler youth.... I had Mr "Baker"s name in my post but thought I better take that out and I replaced it with as you saw Mr Baker hope it was not to much of an annoyance.

4 little words

I saw a video the other day by a 19 year old who stood in front of a large crowd and admitted that he suffers from depression. I admire him for this and he has given me the courage to say the 4 little words.

I Suffer From Depression, I have most of my life and have basically self medicated but all that ended when I moved to Georgia and married my darling wife.  I stopped self medicating and low and behold my personal demons started to arise.  I am not going to delve into the details of the abuse I suffered when I was a child or when I was a young man but just say it was horrible. It left me not trusting anyone sometimes not even me. I went into therapy and it has worked wonders for me and I would urge anyone who feels lost and alone to think about trying it out it just might save your life


.http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words?g=2&c=upw1

Just heard the news that my daughter is in the hospital getting ready to delivery grand baby # 4. I love it when the family grows. It makes everyone's hearts a little softer for a time!!

I have been struggling with my emotions a friend lost his wife and I feel very sad for him but we both know they will only be separated for a short time. I have not been able to find anything that makes me happy, I have my music and drawing but I am so bad its not even worth doing it anymore. I get so tried of being the c student and would love someday to have some accomplishments I could be truly proud of. Well enough of the pity me wagon off to work on my novel.

Well it is no fun having a heart attack but it is better then the other option of not discovering my heart problems. Along with a new diet I am exercising 3 days a week and hope to increase that but I am going to take my time. I did not gain all this weight at once and it will take a little to get it off.
What I am hoping to happen is that I start running and I am going to use the Couch Potato to 5k plan.

I lost my Mother several years ago and I still miss her. I know I will see her again but days like today turn me melancholy.

Today I have learned of a new APP and in light of the 3 women who found their freedom I ask any who reads this to download the app and you just might become someones HERO. Watch the video on Elizabeth Smarts blog and then you can decide.




http://elizabethsmartfoundation.org/

The View

The other day I unfortunately had the opportunity to watch the View and the ladies there were talking about the double standard of when a man dates a underage girl compared to a women dating an underage boy. It seems they feel it is ok for a women to abuse boys but man should be locked up. I feel abuse is abuse no matter what the sex is. The scars are the same.